Here at Breakwater Coaching we teach there are three components to a healthy marriage. They are: Caring for Self, Caring for Your Spouse, and Caring for the Marriage. Caring for Self is vitally important for the individual to stay balanced physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When self is out of balance, the spouse may not feel cared for, and certainly the marriage is jeopardized. Many people will tell me it feels selfish to “take care of self” first, and that is understandable to a former relationship addict. However, if I am going to be a competent, effective, available spouse and partner in the marriage, then I must first take care of myself. I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and I cannot assign any of those to anyone else. Self-care is vitally important to a healthy marriage.
Secondly, we seek to take care of our spouse. I am not responsible for his (or her) thoughts, feelings, or behaviors; however, I can impact them in a positive manner. I can encourage my spouse in his/her gifts, support him/her in their endeavors, and be a positive influence to him/her. It is also caring to respect his/her personal space when it is needed to take care of oneself. I honor my spouse by believing the best, and looking out for his/her best interest.
Finally, we seek to take care of the marriage. We protect the covenant we have with each other, preferring our spouse over other relationships. We invite God to be at the core of our marriage (A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecc. 4:12). We keep romance and passion alive by investing quality time, and making sure we remain playful, like the best friends we were before we got married. We believe that we are on the same team, and use our differences to strengthen our bond together. We adopt a “no-losers” policy when dealing with conflict resolution, and stick with each other to find that resolution. We have a vision for our marriage and continue to dream together. Love and respect are common to the relationship, and we communicate frequently on an intimate level.
When proper attention is given to all three areas, the result is an energetic, thriving couple who loudly proclaim, “til death do us part!”
Cindy and David Southworth are marriage and relationship coaches, certified through the American Assn of Christian Counselors and members of the International Christian Coaching Assn. Cindy is a John Maxwell certified speaker, trainer, and coach. They are the owners of Breakwater Coaching. You can visit their website at www.breakwatercoaching.com.
Many thanks to our mentors at the National Institute of Marriage who taught us these relationship principles.