We just finished viewing The Company Men starring Ben Affleck. Ben portrays a 37 year old married man and father who gets laid off by Corporate America.
Sound familiar? This is happening all over the country. Unemployment has been at an all-time high for the last several years. We hardly meet a person whose immediate or extended family has not been impacted by downsizing.
How has this affected marriages? Well it depends on the couple, and the level of intimacy they had prior to the layoff. If you have seen the movie, one couple split immediately, another committed suicide; but Ben’s character and his wife remained intact despite the sale of their valuable possessions, the foreclosure of their home, their move back to the in-laws house, and his wife having to return to work after staying home to raise the kids. What kept them together? They portrayed a couple who truly loved each other – not for what they had to take in the relationship – but for what they had to give. Despite the setbacks – and there were many – they continued to prefer one another to the circumstances. His wife was his biggest cheerleader, and helped him through denial, depression, and acceptance of a new way of life. After many months of disappointments, he comes to realize that she has endured much, and he says to her:
“I let you down.”
She replies: “ You didn’t let me down. You were never here before, and now you are.”
She valued his presence and involvement with the family over any amount of income he could bring to the family bank account.
It isn’t a loss of job that breaks up a marriage. Marriages are destroyed, as Dr. Gottman of the Gottman Relationship Institute so aptly describes, by “criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.” IT IS OUR RESPONSE TO THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES. If husband and wife join together as a team, and realize they are not married to the enemy, they will fight any battle together and come out as a winning team.
Philippians 4:13 says: “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength,” and Paul told us to be content in our circumstances.
How are you responding to the circumstances in your relationship? Maybe it is time for a Relationship Checkup. Make sure your marriage is free of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. Learn how to relate in healthy ways so that should a storm arise, you are well-prepared.
David and Cindy Southworth are Relationship Coaches, certified by the American Association of Christian Counselors, and members of the International Christian Coaching Assn. For more information, write them at breakwatercoaching@aol.com or call them at 863.875.6869.
