Michael and Jennifer, married nineteen years, come to Breakwater Coaching for help. Jennifer dated Michael in high school and discovered she was pregnant two months before graduation. They married the week after graduation and she has lived with the nagging thought that he probably wouldn’t have married her otherwise. She works at an insurance office, but dreams of being at home with their three kids. Michael got a job at the bank after taking a few community college classes, and has managed to do well as a bank manager, but has dreamed for years of owning his own business.
They fight continuously – about money and raising kids. Jennifer says Michael is passive-aggressive and refuses to talk. Michael describes Jennifer as a “witch on wheels.” Her feelings get “out of control” and then she jumps in her car and disappears for hours. When she returns, they go back to working and taking care of the kids, and their issues are left simmering on the back burner – until the next time.
Michael says this is the “last time.” Either they get help, or he is finished.
According to their marriage coaches, Michael and Jennifer are engaging in a “dysfunctional dance.” Dr. Greg Smalley, of the National Institute of Marriage, refers to it as a “fear dance.” Dr. Emerson Eggerich, author of “Love and Respect,” calls it the “crazy dance.” No matter the label, the couple is operating on their fears. As the coach is able to identify their fears and their reaction to those fears, they can then help the couple to first visualize a plan to overcome those fears, and then an action plan is put into place. As the couple experiences success with the action plan, they realize the “dysfunctional dance” has disappeared from their lives. They communicate more clearly, understand each other’s needs, and move forward in the relationship, feeling more at peace with one another and feeling like they are on the same team together.
Two years later, Michael has left the bank and opened his own business. Jennifer has joined him and keeps his books while tending to the kids at home. Together they have a vision for a life together.
Michael tells Jennifer, “I would marry you all over again!” and Jennifer smiles. She has found peace within herself and peace at home.
Although Michael and Jennifer are fictional characters, a story like theirs is seen every day. At Breakwater Coaching, we are committed to helping you because your relationship is a priority to us.
David and Cindy Southworth are certified marriage and relationship coaches through the American Assn of Christian Counselors and members of the International Christian Coaching Assn. They lead The Relationship Center at NorthRidge Church and are the Executive Directors of Breakwater Coaching.