As marriage coaches, we are asked one question more than any others: “How can we learn to communicate with each other?” Our response is there are three components to communication: Talking, Listening, and Responding. The most important component is Listening.
John Maxwell, in his book Relationships 101, says:
“Treat every person as if he or she were the most important person in the world.”
People think you care when you listen to them. David and I meet with people over a cup of coffee and at the end of the meeting frequently hear: “You two are SO EASY to talk to!” That’s because we have learned the art of listening. We listen with empathy.
What are the barriers to being a good listener? Dr. Maxwell gives the following advice why people don’t feel like they are being heard. The listener:
Does not place enough value on what the other person has to say. Do you ever try to talk to someone and they are preoccupied with their cell phone, their electronic tablet, the TV, or newspaper? Or perhaps they are telling you how you feel instead of asking you how you feel?
People feel invalidated when the person they are talking to does not give them their full attention. Listen with intention. Check your body language to make sure it reads “I care.” Give feedback that lets them know you are listening with clarity.
Wants to impress others by showing how smart and intuitive they are.You quickly become aware the person is not listening because they are thinking about what they are going to say next. They are more interested in letting you know what they know about the issue rather than what you have to say. The introvert may throw up their hands and shut down. The extrovert may become combative and insist they be heard. Stop thinking about what you want to say until the person has finished their sentence and put a period on it. Then begin to think about how you want to respond.
Is too excited by the conversation to let the other person finish talking. An effective way to combat this problem is to write a quick note to yourself about what you want to add to the conversation; a couple words are enough to jog your memory, so that when the speaker is finished, you can add value to the conversation with your input. Interrupting the speaker only makes them feel invalidated, and the exciting conversation you thought you were having can quickly come to a halt.
Your focus should be on understanding the speaker, and determining what they need during the conversation. You provide safety by showing them how much you care, and asking nonthreatening questions that will allow them to connect with you on a deeper emotional level.
Cindy and David Southworth are marriage and relationship coaches, certified through the American Assn of Christian Counselors and members of the International Christian Coaching Assn. Cindy is a John Maxwell certified speaker, trainer, and coach. They are the owners of Breakwater Coaching. You can visit their website at www.breakwatercoaching.com.