While many think that the issues of finances, sexuality, or differences in parenting styles are the leading causes of divorce, the state of Florida says that a couple can divorce simply over “irreconcilable differences.” What are irreconcilable differences?
According to Dr. John Gottman, the leading marriage researcher of the 20th century, divorce is predictable when any one of the following four attitudes are present in a marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. This may explain why a couple with many issues can survive a marriage better than a couple who can’t seem to work through a single issue. Let’s look at the definitions of the four attitudes:
Criticism. Could also be defined as nagging. This happens when one spouse does not meet the expectations of the other spouse. Criticism leads to a dead-end street, because the issue is never resolved. The disappointed spouse keeps hoping their spouse will change if they just keep telling them what’s wrong. It is better to lower the expectations and accept a spouse for who they are. Learn to separate the person from the behavior.
Defensiveness. This happens when a spouse cannot afford to admit they are wrong. They have an answer for everything except the magic words, “I was wrong.” Failure to admit weaknesses only leads to defeat. It is better to admit there is something wrong, and work towards finding a right solution.
Stonewalling. This occurs when a spouse withdraws emotionally, and refuses to address the issue head-on. This is a lose-lose situation. Instead, have the courage to face the issue and find positive solutions to improve communication and resolution of conflict. People who feel unsafe will withdraw emotionally from a situation.
Contempt. Dr. Gottman describes contempt as the most destructive emotion in a relationship. The first three, if left unattended, lead to contempt, which is unresolved anger. The opposite of love is apathy, and contempt leads to apathy. The prescription for contempt is forgiveness. A good marriage consists of two good forgivers.
The Bible has a clear outline for resolving all four of these attitudes.
1. Judge not lest you be judged.
2. Admit when you are wrong, and ask for forgiveness.
3. Do not be afraid; perfect love casts out all fear.
4. Forgive others, just as Christ Jesus has forgiven you.
When we choose to live by Christ’s example, we will not have “irreconcilable differences.” In fact, all our relationships will be healthy and thriving.
Written by Cindy Southworth from The Relationship Center, a ministry of NorthRidge Church. Cindy and David Southworth are certified by the American Assn of Christian Counselors as Marriage Coaches, members of the International Christian Coaching Assn, and owners of Breakwater Coaching.